contradiction

i’m lost at two ideals…kind of stuck between two worlds. the one in my bedroom and the one on the otherside of the door.

the first being, this place where i feel as if the world is so close.  anything is possible. my dreams grow and my vision expands. creativity breathes a heavy sigh of satisfaction and  imagination twirls a satin ribbon in the air. its whimsical and concrete. playful yet strong. a carnival with a cause, if you will?

but then there is this other place. one where “reality” feels the need to wreak havoc with my carnival and stomp on my fairy floss. qualifications. money. measurablility. the ‘means’ to accomplish your dreams, which is undoubtedly the american dream…because that’s the only dream to be thought up. “s.m.a.r.t.” goals…you know, the ones that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timed.

its a good principle, but i’m so sick of  “s.m.a.r.t.” goals. what if i can’t measure my goals? what if they are in no way, shape, or form attainable? realistic, ha! i’ve always been told, “if people aren’t laughing at your dream, then it isn’t big enough.” i know the God i serve and that anything is possible…especially the impossible. the impossible is really possible with God. there is nothing wrong with preparation or with listing out specific things you want and mastering a way to make those things happen. i guess i’ve just been dipped into a distant concept that continues to re-surface itself. i’m searching for that balance between these 2 places, wishing i could dive straight into one without ever giving the other a second thought.

basically, this is me. a simple girl. a straight-forward battle with a complex strategy. a gentle whisper in the midst of booming fireworks. a rushing tide beating against un-assuming sand. it all seems complicated, in theory. but there is one theory that uncomplicates everything.  my life is based on a contradiction.

i want so much more. more that is to come. more that is displayed when a beam of light erases a dark patch.

there is heavenly in the lowly. there is beauty in the broken. there is wealth in the eyes of the poor.

xx