misty gloom

today is embodied in a reflective mood that seems to be taking the form of the misty gloom outside which matches my london fog tea at starbucks and dark purple nail polish. i’d imagine if someone was to journal my thoughts from just today alone, i reckon they could write a novel and its sequel. of course, they would have to throw in some lyrics from the Civil Wars, “Poison and Wine” while frantically scribbling down the chapters otherwise known as ‘Lydia’s thoughts.’

this past month seems to have been lived in a shadow of sadness. one of which an overwhelming dose of reality is not just presented but thrown straight into your face…quite an uncomfortable scenario. i liken it to when a car is travelling at a high speed, continually accelerating, only to encounter a traffic light switching from yellow to red, causing them to brake so hard that it literally flings them forward out of their seat only to catch on the seatbelt, reverse the momentum, and rip them backwards into seat.

no one prepares you for the heartache that is, moving home. it just happens. and somehow you have to figure out how to navigate that. the emotions. the confusion. the shock. the ‘finding your place’…again. somedays i have to stop, close my eyes and breathe deeply; remembering He who brought me back.  He made me a promise. but sometimes that promise becomes blurry and faded in my cluttered mind. funny how organized i am with my material things, yet when it comes to my mind i’m like a chaotic mess.

when He speaks, it cuts so deep into my sorrowed soul that i melt in utter inadequacy and awe. –inadequacy and awe, like 2 peas in a pod. 

 “Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.”  Psalm 37:3

trust, do, dwell, and cultivate. that’s heaps of action. daily action. but that’s what God does. He is always making all things new…within me, around me, for me.

one month. its only been one month. this month has been gray. gray and dull and lifeless. only tiny hints of colour seem to appear in life’s pallete before my eyes. a black and white picture of a girl staring out the window where the blue tear on her cheek is the only display of colour. surely this is not the picture that has been envisioned for me for this year? no one can make it through a year with a blue tear…also, for the record, smudged eyeliner and mascara stained cheeks are not the greatest trend.

the psalms are filled with a repetitive trend, one worth following. in spite of the crying out to God at the beginning of  these certain psalms, they end with a praise. like a “this really sucks God, but through it all You are faithful and kind”

and this is where i find myself. this is the war within myself…do you stay in the gloomy mist or choose to find the pockets of sunshine breaking through your overcast skies?  better yet, do you choose to be that ray of light that penetrates the thick darkness to carve its path?

“For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the fiels will clap their hands.”   Isaiah 55:12

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