misty gloom

today is embodied in a reflective mood that seems to be taking the form of the misty gloom outside which matches my london fog tea at starbucks and dark purple nail polish. i’d imagine if someone was to journal my thoughts from just today alone, i reckon they could write a novel and its sequel. of course, they would have to throw in some lyrics from the Civil Wars, “Poison and Wine” while frantically scribbling down the chapters otherwise known as ‘Lydia’s thoughts.’

this past month seems to have been lived in a shadow of sadness. one of which an overwhelming dose of reality is not just presented but thrown straight into your face…quite an uncomfortable scenario. i liken it to when a car is travelling at a high speed, continually accelerating, only to encounter a traffic light switching from yellow to red, causing them to brake so hard that it literally flings them forward out of their seat only to catch on the seatbelt, reverse the momentum, and rip them backwards into seat.

no one prepares you for the heartache that is, moving home. it just happens. and somehow you have to figure out how to navigate that. the emotions. the confusion. the shock. the ‘finding your place’…again. somedays i have to stop, close my eyes and breathe deeply; remembering He who brought me back.  He made me a promise. but sometimes that promise becomes blurry and faded in my cluttered mind. funny how organized i am with my material things, yet when it comes to my mind i’m like a chaotic mess.

when He speaks, it cuts so deep into my sorrowed soul that i melt in utter inadequacy and awe. –inadequacy and awe, like 2 peas in a pod. 

 “Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.”  Psalm 37:3

trust, do, dwell, and cultivate. that’s heaps of action. daily action. but that’s what God does. He is always making all things new…within me, around me, for me.

one month. its only been one month. this month has been gray. gray and dull and lifeless. only tiny hints of colour seem to appear in life’s pallete before my eyes. a black and white picture of a girl staring out the window where the blue tear on her cheek is the only display of colour. surely this is not the picture that has been envisioned for me for this year? no one can make it through a year with a blue tear…also, for the record, smudged eyeliner and mascara stained cheeks are not the greatest trend.

the psalms are filled with a repetitive trend, one worth following. in spite of the crying out to God at the beginning of  these certain psalms, they end with a praise. like a “this really sucks God, but through it all You are faithful and kind”

and this is where i find myself. this is the war within myself…do you stay in the gloomy mist or choose to find the pockets of sunshine breaking through your overcast skies?  better yet, do you choose to be that ray of light that penetrates the thick darkness to carve its path?

“For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the fiels will clap their hands.”   Isaiah 55:12

Dear December,

Dear December,

I’m stuck in between thanking you, freezing you in time, or kicking you so hard that you limp.

You brought laughter and you brought tears. (Most importantly, you brought me a tan.)

Beautiful memories and moments captured in my heart. Beautiful friendships that even an ocean of distance cannot taint.

Speaking of oceans, thanks for the sunny beach time. warriewood baby! I can place the majority of my life-defining God-enounters at the beach. What a perfect way to wrap up my australian pressie by spending the last weeks basking in the warm sun and numbing my body in the freezing ice cold ocean. Wouldn’t be Australia without the shocking sudden difference in temperature.

I accessorized you with freckles and curly hair. (YES, my curly hair reappeared!!…sounds pathetic, but for real, I’m overjoyed.)

Your melody was one of Brooke and Bruno…we played only the good notes. :)

My eyes are still recovering from the month of puffy eyes. Seriously, was it neccesary for me to cry that much? With every goodbye, a bit of my heart ripped off. Give me a break. But then the grand finale of the official farewell was enough to stop the blood flowing.

Flowing…yes,  you, December, brought the wine. A girls’ trip to the Hunter and some other hahaha ’quality’ nights of good conversation and glasses of red.

Bringing in my sister, now that was quite a surprise you had up your sleeve. What a special week that was! Years ago, she showed me her Costa Rica and now, I showed her my Australia. And I definitely appreciate the packing assistance. Well, she pretty much did all of it; I just threw it at her and she strategized how to fit it into the suitcase.  

You really did out-do yourself with the concerts. I mean, MUSE AND U2 in the same month….and bonus they were both FREE?!?!?!  Were you just trying to butter me up so I would feel better about leaving? Sneaky.

Sneaky reminds me of Sneezy which reminds me of  the Christmas Spectacular and how cute Allie was in her baker’s hat. I was such a proud mum that night…both nights. Spending that weekend with Megan was irreplaceable. She’s amazing, and so is Surry Hills.

But for all the joy you brought, sadness overshadowed. No one could have prepared me for the heartache that came with leaving. Goodbyes really do suck. It’s like I knew what God said and there was light in His words, but the actual follow through of that was like stepping blind; I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face. pain in the offering.

Saying goodbye to Caiti and Allie, then stepping around the dreadful Corner in the Sydney airport, (if you’ve ever taken someone to the airport, you know what I mean), was like stabbing me in the chest…I was sobbing so I couldn’t really breathe anyway.

You, December, I congratulate you for the emotional roller coaster you put me on and the fact that I didn’t bail out along the ride…metaphorically, I threw up after we went on the upside-down loops, one after the other, and when the ride stopped, I got up and walked off in a  rather hypnotic state, over-whelmed at what just happened.

Watching Australia blend into the horizon of blue was a low moment. The sadness will leave. Joy will come again, as it faithfully does.

So, December, here I will leave you without a single regret. Just be a little more easy on the others who encounter you!

Sincerely,
A thankful and overwhelmed Lydia

October-November

i feel that before i begin on a new beginning, i should maybe close the chapter on my last journey.

let’s begin with october–

the calm before the storm. once again, i took off to danita’s gold coast getaway with caroline for  week. a much needed week of relaxation. we went for tans and came back with pruned hands and soaking wet hoodies. so much for sunny queensland, eh? a week with some of my girls is nothing to complain about though…we took too many pictures and ate too many kit-kats.

the moment we returned back to sydney, all hell broke loose in the form of moving house. oh yes, our house sold and we needed to vacate the property and clean for house inspection. these last 2 weeks of october were not my finest…stress and lack of sleep can only make lydia one cranky girl. we stayed up one night until 5 am cleaning and moving everything. we did manage a late-night/early-morning 4am maccas run…didn’t feel a bit of guilt on those calories. yeah, so pretty sure evil took the form of our real estate agent and landlord. it was so bad that danita and i had to play shawn mcdonald’s  ‘take my hand’  on repeat for about 20 min everyday twice a day to calm down. let me sum it up by saying, it was a battle and we won. (take that landlord!)  okay okay, so the bad attitude left and apologies were given out to everyone i had snapped at…yes, october was over!

november–

after the poor attitude and behaviour displayed in october, i declared november to be ‘no-crap’ november. no crap as in nothing bad goes in or out of your mouth. no bad food and no bad words. this month was quite successful and by the end of it all, i had like 10 people who joined in for no-crap november. …and being a girl, we kinda wanted to look good in our grad dresses at the end of the month, so the no bad food thing sort of served 2 purposes. i’m all about efficiency :)  grad ball was SO fun! the getting ready process was a delight. a little morning swim, chocolate fountain, fruit, a good playlist, friends, make-up, hair, nails. the whole bit. then off to a night of dancing the night away, pancakes, then sleeping in the mini-van until the sunrise over the beach. can’t beat that.

after some good grad ball fun, we had thanksgiving for all the american and canadian students (who really cares who had the 1st thanksgiving??) at bobbie and brian’s lake property. it was like 4th of july meets thanksgiving. it was so kind and really special. felt a bit like home. :)

november came to a close with a bang, literally fireworks. our graduation ceremony was ridiculous. so much talent, so much creativity, and it was really fun. oh and i graduated!!!!!!!!!!! bittersweet moment. but i did it! and bonus—i got to dance! seriously was a night to remember. i’m forever blessed.

the ups and downs of these 2 months was heaps crazy, but every moment was…well, just that, a moment. a moment treasured. a moment to learn from. a moment in the journey.  looking forward to more moments…