holes of hope

i’ve been overwhelmed with this idea of hope lately.

i mean the definition of hope is: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or the events will turn out for the best; a person or thing in which expectations are centered; to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

i can’t imagine going through a single day of life with no hope. how do people get from day to day without hope?  THE hope. there is One in whom hope is found. there is One from whom hope finds its very meaning.

two weeks ago i got a call that woke me up, it was my mom telling me that my uncle was in critical condition at the hospital due to a heart-attack. i packed up my things and drove home just as soon as i could. i could tell from the tone in my mom’s voice that this was a very serious situation…serious as in the doctors were “preparing” my aunt and family.  with salty tears carving their path down my cheeks, i quietly prayed, whispering my deep plea into God’s ear. “oh Lord, please heal him. let him overcome, just as You have overcome.”

it was a conversation of few words, not even a monologued script. just a simple prayer in the secret place.

that thursday’s air was warm and its sky overcast.  yet, every now and then a ray of light would pierce through a small opening between the clouds. i was so focused on this one beaming stream of light that it took me a few moments to realize that there were other streams of light just like this one i was observing. but just as soon as the rays had burst through the clouds, they were covered up again until another ray shone through a different cloud gap. it was constantly changing, but for a brief moment–there was light.

being the sky-facinated girl that i am, i was deep in thought over this mysterious cloud game…unaware that my reflections were now audible. i began to wonder, “what if every place where a ray is concentrating its light was God bringing a glimmer of hope into an overcast situation? what if the changing light was someone’s  fresh hope into a rough day?”

 the next three days were personified with tears,  unwelcomed voices of reason, and that horrible hospital smell. we prayed and we prayed. standing strong in the promise of the cross. stretching hands over lifeless conditions. the doctor told us, “i wish it was his heart. i could fix his heart. but it’s not…its his brain. we need him to wake up.” this is that point. that point where human hands stop. that point where the impossible sets in. that point where my God breathes life. i’ve seen it done before. the possibility of the impossible.

it’s now sunday. i headed up to the hospital to see my uncle one more time before i drove back east.  my dad and i entered his ICU room and prayed again. the only thing i could softly voice was, “please, let him wake up. God, wake him up.” 

—then the most beautiful thing happened. the room began to light up as a beam of light broke through a hole in the sky and shined straight through the hospital window and onto my sleeping uncle. it was so bright on him that when my uncle’s sister entered the room she pulled the curtains. i stood there speechless, with those oh-so-faithful tears expressing my awe and wonder at this moment. hope. shining hope. a moment of hope.

He who conquered death. He who gives grace. He who rides on the clouds. He who whispers to my heart. He who sees our pain. He who never fails. He who is kind. He who prepares a place where there are no tears. He is our hope. He is our hope. He is our hope!

whether we acknowledge the glimmer or not, there are holes of hope everywhere. everyday. God sees. even if it is for a moment…it is a breath that reminds us of who God is and who we are in Him.

monday. new mercies. my uncle woke up. he woke up. praise the Lord on high, he woke up! ……sunday was only a sparkle. monday was the miracle.

xx

“For God, who said, ‘ Let light shine out of darkness,’ made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Jesus Christ.” 2 corinthians 4:6

holes of hope

 

 

 

 

contradiction

i’m lost at two ideals…kind of stuck between two worlds. the one in my bedroom and the one on the otherside of the door.

the first being, this place where i feel as if the world is so close.  anything is possible. my dreams grow and my vision expands. creativity breathes a heavy sigh of satisfaction and  imagination twirls a satin ribbon in the air. its whimsical and concrete. playful yet strong. a carnival with a cause, if you will?

but then there is this other place. one where “reality” feels the need to wreak havoc with my carnival and stomp on my fairy floss. qualifications. money. measurablility. the ‘means’ to accomplish your dreams, which is undoubtedly the american dream…because that’s the only dream to be thought up. “s.m.a.r.t.” goals…you know, the ones that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timed.

its a good principle, but i’m so sick of  “s.m.a.r.t.” goals. what if i can’t measure my goals? what if they are in no way, shape, or form attainable? realistic, ha! i’ve always been told, “if people aren’t laughing at your dream, then it isn’t big enough.” i know the God i serve and that anything is possible…especially the impossible. the impossible is really possible with God. there is nothing wrong with preparation or with listing out specific things you want and mastering a way to make those things happen. i guess i’ve just been dipped into a distant concept that continues to re-surface itself. i’m searching for that balance between these 2 places, wishing i could dive straight into one without ever giving the other a second thought.

basically, this is me. a simple girl. a straight-forward battle with a complex strategy. a gentle whisper in the midst of booming fireworks. a rushing tide beating against un-assuming sand. it all seems complicated, in theory. but there is one theory that uncomplicates everything.  my life is based on a contradiction.

i want so much more. more that is to come. more that is displayed when a beam of light erases a dark patch.

there is heavenly in the lowly. there is beauty in the broken. there is wealth in the eyes of the poor.

xx

clarity: a half-full kind of girl.

due to response from my last blog post, i feel as if i should clear up a few things.

now that my head is clear and perspective back, please allow me to lift myself from the hole i dug :)  :

1. the day i wrote misty gloom was a really down day for me. it was as if that day was speaking for all the others. the whole month has not been an utter silence of sadness, nor am i depressed. i needed a release that day. ((why did i chose blogging it?? seriously, lyds…get a grip))   i needed to get out the crap that was infiltrating my mind. yes, CRAP. horrible, nasty thoughts that were bringing me down. honestly, this past month has had moments of sadness, but an even greater number of days of smiling and renewed relationships. (i do have 4 new nieces and nephews).  hopefully to the people that really know me, you would know that 1. that is not normal behavior for me and 2. i don’t hate my life, i rather enjoy it. i’m a half-full kind of girl. that post was obviously not what a half-full person thinks like.

i thought about taking that post down, but then i decided not to…it was a day of sadness. not a month. a day. ONE day. a day that over-dramatized itself and hurt people, myself included. it’s a reminder of a place, a state of mind, i never want to dwell in. ever.

2. speaking of knowing me, if anyone knows anything about me, at all, you  know that i love my family more than anyone else on this planet. i adore my family. my family is THE reason why i am able to be a stable person. my family is THE reason why i’m able to do fun things. i LOVE my family. if you were a housemate of mine, aka allie, danita, peita, odette, gaby, you would know the times of tears spent longing to be with my family, those times of special family gatherings and babies and parties and holidays…and you would be quite sick of me talking about them and showing you pictures, over and over and over. :) but i dare anyone to quiz my housemates with flashcards as to what child belongs with what sibling and who their spouse is…these girls know the Cazzell familia.  p.s. christmas was wicked yet again, and yes to all my friends across the world, i will put up pajama pictures.

this last year was the best year yet, however, it was the hardest. by far. why, you ask? family separation.

3. i have NO regrets. i made my choice to come home. nobody forced me back. nobody threatened me. nobody did any manipulation…except my sister-in-law who said she would take down the pictures of me in their house. hahaha :) joking, people. God led me back home. i fully trust that. yes, it has been difficult adjusting and getting back into life here and finding my place again. but i’m still very secure in the fact that this is where i need to be. however, please be gracious to me and help me with this transition. i ask for time, patience, and encouragement, but no pity parties (on my end).

4. not a day has passed by that i don’t thank God for everyone here and everyone there, the opportunity and the beauty of life and adventures. i’m blessed beyond words. “all of my life, in every season, You are still God. i have a reason to sing. i have a reason to worship.”

5. i sincerely apologize. i’m really sorry if those words hurt you. i, in no way, meant to hurt anyone. and yeah, i never realize who reads these things anyway. i hate it when i am at the end responsible for causing others pain, whether in action or in word, i never want to be that person.  …and i just was. so, please forgive me for hurting you as it was done unintentionally. words have so much power. life and death in the tongue, right? God is teaching me heaps right now. one, being that, you never know who is listening or watching or reading for that matter… :)

may i also say thank you, for those who care for me enough to not allow me to stay in a funk, but help to gently lift my eyes off myself and to look out into a new adventure.

so, raise your glass (or in my case,your  grande, extra hot, skinny cinnamon dolce latte with an extra shot) to toast to 2011. may it be a year of new beginnings and joyous laughter. may it come with beautiful memories and silly pictures. may God’s grace and favour rest upon each day.

in the words of the count of monte cristo,

do your worst, as i will do mine.

all my love- xx

misty gloom

today is embodied in a reflective mood that seems to be taking the form of the misty gloom outside which matches my london fog tea at starbucks and dark purple nail polish. i’d imagine if someone was to journal my thoughts from just today alone, i reckon they could write a novel and its sequel. of course, they would have to throw in some lyrics from the Civil Wars, “Poison and Wine” while frantically scribbling down the chapters otherwise known as ‘Lydia’s thoughts.’

this past month seems to have been lived in a shadow of sadness. one of which an overwhelming dose of reality is not just presented but thrown straight into your face…quite an uncomfortable scenario. i liken it to when a car is travelling at a high speed, continually accelerating, only to encounter a traffic light switching from yellow to red, causing them to brake so hard that it literally flings them forward out of their seat only to catch on the seatbelt, reverse the momentum, and rip them backwards into seat.

no one prepares you for the heartache that is, moving home. it just happens. and somehow you have to figure out how to navigate that. the emotions. the confusion. the shock. the ‘finding your place’…again. somedays i have to stop, close my eyes and breathe deeply; remembering He who brought me back.  He made me a promise. but sometimes that promise becomes blurry and faded in my cluttered mind. funny how organized i am with my material things, yet when it comes to my mind i’m like a chaotic mess.

when He speaks, it cuts so deep into my sorrowed soul that i melt in utter inadequacy and awe. –inadequacy and awe, like 2 peas in a pod. 

 “Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.”  Psalm 37:3

trust, do, dwell, and cultivate. that’s heaps of action. daily action. but that’s what God does. He is always making all things new…within me, around me, for me.

one month. its only been one month. this month has been gray. gray and dull and lifeless. only tiny hints of colour seem to appear in life’s pallete before my eyes. a black and white picture of a girl staring out the window where the blue tear on her cheek is the only display of colour. surely this is not the picture that has been envisioned for me for this year? no one can make it through a year with a blue tear…also, for the record, smudged eyeliner and mascara stained cheeks are not the greatest trend.

the psalms are filled with a repetitive trend, one worth following. in spite of the crying out to God at the beginning of  these certain psalms, they end with a praise. like a “this really sucks God, but through it all You are faithful and kind”

and this is where i find myself. this is the war within myself…do you stay in the gloomy mist or choose to find the pockets of sunshine breaking through your overcast skies?  better yet, do you choose to be that ray of light that penetrates the thick darkness to carve its path?

“For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the fiels will clap their hands.”   Isaiah 55:12

Dear December,

Dear December,

I’m stuck in between thanking you, freezing you in time, or kicking you so hard that you limp.

You brought laughter and you brought tears. (Most importantly, you brought me a tan.)

Beautiful memories and moments captured in my heart. Beautiful friendships that even an ocean of distance cannot taint.

Speaking of oceans, thanks for the sunny beach time. warriewood baby! I can place the majority of my life-defining God-enounters at the beach. What a perfect way to wrap up my australian pressie by spending the last weeks basking in the warm sun and numbing my body in the freezing ice cold ocean. Wouldn’t be Australia without the shocking sudden difference in temperature.

I accessorized you with freckles and curly hair. (YES, my curly hair reappeared!!…sounds pathetic, but for real, I’m overjoyed.)

Your melody was one of Brooke and Bruno…we played only the good notes. :)

My eyes are still recovering from the month of puffy eyes. Seriously, was it neccesary for me to cry that much? With every goodbye, a bit of my heart ripped off. Give me a break. But then the grand finale of the official farewell was enough to stop the blood flowing.

Flowing…yes,  you, December, brought the wine. A girls’ trip to the Hunter and some other hahaha ’quality’ nights of good conversation and glasses of red.

Bringing in my sister, now that was quite a surprise you had up your sleeve. What a special week that was! Years ago, she showed me her Costa Rica and now, I showed her my Australia. And I definitely appreciate the packing assistance. Well, she pretty much did all of it; I just threw it at her and she strategized how to fit it into the suitcase.  

You really did out-do yourself with the concerts. I mean, MUSE AND U2 in the same month….and bonus they were both FREE?!?!?!  Were you just trying to butter me up so I would feel better about leaving? Sneaky.

Sneaky reminds me of Sneezy which reminds me of  the Christmas Spectacular and how cute Allie was in her baker’s hat. I was such a proud mum that night…both nights. Spending that weekend with Megan was irreplaceable. She’s amazing, and so is Surry Hills.

But for all the joy you brought, sadness overshadowed. No one could have prepared me for the heartache that came with leaving. Goodbyes really do suck. It’s like I knew what God said and there was light in His words, but the actual follow through of that was like stepping blind; I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face. pain in the offering.

Saying goodbye to Caiti and Allie, then stepping around the dreadful Corner in the Sydney airport, (if you’ve ever taken someone to the airport, you know what I mean), was like stabbing me in the chest…I was sobbing so I couldn’t really breathe anyway.

You, December, I congratulate you for the emotional roller coaster you put me on and the fact that I didn’t bail out along the ride…metaphorically, I threw up after we went on the upside-down loops, one after the other, and when the ride stopped, I got up and walked off in a  rather hypnotic state, over-whelmed at what just happened.

Watching Australia blend into the horizon of blue was a low moment. The sadness will leave. Joy will come again, as it faithfully does.

So, December, here I will leave you without a single regret. Just be a little more easy on the others who encounter you!

Sincerely,
A thankful and overwhelmed Lydia

October-November

i feel that before i begin on a new beginning, i should maybe close the chapter on my last journey.

let’s begin with october–

the calm before the storm. once again, i took off to danita’s gold coast getaway with caroline for  week. a much needed week of relaxation. we went for tans and came back with pruned hands and soaking wet hoodies. so much for sunny queensland, eh? a week with some of my girls is nothing to complain about though…we took too many pictures and ate too many kit-kats.

the moment we returned back to sydney, all hell broke loose in the form of moving house. oh yes, our house sold and we needed to vacate the property and clean for house inspection. these last 2 weeks of october were not my finest…stress and lack of sleep can only make lydia one cranky girl. we stayed up one night until 5 am cleaning and moving everything. we did manage a late-night/early-morning 4am maccas run…didn’t feel a bit of guilt on those calories. yeah, so pretty sure evil took the form of our real estate agent and landlord. it was so bad that danita and i had to play shawn mcdonald’s  ‘take my hand’  on repeat for about 20 min everyday twice a day to calm down. let me sum it up by saying, it was a battle and we won. (take that landlord!)  okay okay, so the bad attitude left and apologies were given out to everyone i had snapped at…yes, october was over!

november–

after the poor attitude and behaviour displayed in october, i declared november to be ‘no-crap’ november. no crap as in nothing bad goes in or out of your mouth. no bad food and no bad words. this month was quite successful and by the end of it all, i had like 10 people who joined in for no-crap november. …and being a girl, we kinda wanted to look good in our grad dresses at the end of the month, so the no bad food thing sort of served 2 purposes. i’m all about efficiency :)  grad ball was SO fun! the getting ready process was a delight. a little morning swim, chocolate fountain, fruit, a good playlist, friends, make-up, hair, nails. the whole bit. then off to a night of dancing the night away, pancakes, then sleeping in the mini-van until the sunrise over the beach. can’t beat that.

after some good grad ball fun, we had thanksgiving for all the american and canadian students (who really cares who had the 1st thanksgiving??) at bobbie and brian’s lake property. it was like 4th of july meets thanksgiving. it was so kind and really special. felt a bit like home. :)

november came to a close with a bang, literally fireworks. our graduation ceremony was ridiculous. so much talent, so much creativity, and it was really fun. oh and i graduated!!!!!!!!!!! bittersweet moment. but i did it! and bonus—i got to dance! seriously was a night to remember. i’m forever blessed.

the ups and downs of these 2 months was heaps crazy, but every moment was…well, just that, a moment. a moment treasured. a moment to learn from. a moment in the journey.  looking forward to more moments…

september::welcome to the 22 club

I know I’ve been MIA for the past 2 months, but here it is…a monthly recap. Read up–

September was a party with my favourite people at my favourite places. Obviously, it’s my birthday month and not just any birthday…no this was my golden birthday/champagne year!–22 on the 22nd.  A celebration was definitely in order!

The celebration began with a little bday pressie in the form of  Wicked tickets from my lovely parents! Caroline and Jess joined me in some musical theatre and thai food at our fav place. The show was literally wicked and I was pretty much overjoyed to start my 22nd year like this…however, the fun didn’t stop after one night.

My actual birthday fell on a Wednesday–Wednesdays=5 hour lecture days. As we took our seats in Lee Burns’ theology lecture (9am), Danita, Caroline, Allie, and I just looked at each other.

 ”I thought we would have done something fun today”, said Danita.

“Yeah, I did too actually”, I shrugged.

“What are we doing here?”, said Caroline.

“Let’s go to Circular Quay!”, someone suggested.

“I don’t know about yall, but I’m leaving”, Danita said as she got up.

Allie and I just looked at each other and said, “Oh well, let’s go!”

The 4 of us quickly ran out of the Hub at 8:57am, just before class started. Lee wasn’t even in yet.

We ran across the street to the bus stop, not going home for anything. Allie was barefoot as usual.

After a hilarious run-in with a bus driver, we got on the bus to the train station and made our way into the city for a little bit of birthday fun. We got off the train in prime location for a stop at The Cupcake Bakery then wandered down to Starbucks in Circular Quay to have coffee and cupcakes for brekkie. What more could a girl ask for? The rest of the day consisted of shopping, pizza, champagne, and gelato. 

…Then it was back to the Hills to attend Hillsong’s healing seminar. You would think that the seminar would be uneventful, but not when you are friends with Danita and Rachel. Oh no, not only was I pinned “the birthday girl” and presented with a cake; but I was also silly-stringed in front of everyone! I screamed, everyone laughed and sang me ’happy birthday’. It was totally hilarious!

After a couple of tutorial birthday cakes during the week, I went for a proper night on the town with my other family–my connect group. A beautiful Italian meal at the Rocks and some chocolate by the Opera house and Harbour bridge…I mean seriously…it was an amazing and full birthday celebration. Thanks to everyone who made my bday special! :)

If you thought September only held my birthday, you would be wrong….to conclude the month, it was ENCOUNTERFEST!!!

Encounterfest is pretty much the most epic youth conference ever. full stop. Kids from year 7 to age 25 gather to encounter God in a way unlike any other. United in purpose and expectation, the Spirit of God full on explodes in the hearts and spirits of everyone gathered. Young peoples’ hearts are moved and stirred to look to something, someOne rather, that is bigger than themselves. They reach out to God for Him to bring hope and love to their schools, families, and workplaces. Sitting in that place, you just see a new generation of young people rising up to fulfill the call of God. He is totally building an army of passionate kids who are in love with Jesus and ready to expand His kingdom.I realize more and more that there is just something about the gathering of God’s people. Unity commands a blessing. It’s this crazy unstoppable force.

During Encounter, I had a moment when I looked down my row and saw my ‘little legacy’. The girls of my “down” connect that I lead were all sitting with me at the conference. I was so blessed just to have them there, but even more than that to know that they were all encountering God in their individual lives. He was speaking to them just as He was speaking to me. He even used me to prophesy and speak over them. It’s totally an honour to be given the priviledge to lead these amazing girls. I’m still learning and growing in my leadership but I felt the growth that happened at Encounter.

Pretty amazing month, right?

And that was just September….

i’ll get there

OKAY! hello blogging world!

So I’ve pretty much been MIA for the past 2 months…my sincerest apologies. But, times are slowing down (sort of) and I promise (cross my heart) to start back blogging, for real.

 I’ll get there, back on track and fill you in on all the little knick-knacks of my life these past 2 very full months.

Check back soon :) …like a week soon, not like 18 hours soon.

 ….I don’t really know if anyone reads this anyway, but there ya go.

with//everything:the formal announcement

September 19, 2010.

5:30pm Sunday service at Hillsong Church

I’ll never forget tonight…

It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken from my heart, so I’m being a little vulnerable right now.

I received an email yesterday with a flight itinerary for my one-way flight home back to the US. Upon opening the email and looking at my schedule, I started crying…a lot. This is it. This is going to end. Leaving Australia seemed so distant and uncertain because there was nothing definite, but now…well, my time here is coming to an end. Over the past 2 months, I have gotten asked countless times about my plans at the end of semester. Majority of the time I would just shrug my shoulders and answer with a simple, “I don’t know” or “I’m leaning towards home, but I don’t really know.”

Honestly, I couldn’t confidently say or make a formal announcement about me going back home to the States. So what do you do when you are confused?? Answer–Go to Jesus. I prayed/vented/cried/whined to God. I just needed peace. I needed God’s voice. I know how me and God work–I ask, I cry, I have a mild freak out–then, He answers. So simply. So clear. So peacefully.

Which brings me to tonight, September 19, 2010. Hillsong CC, Sunday 5:30pm service.

Joel A’bell started the night with an exclamation of faith, saying , THIS could be your night. You can leave here and always say, remember that day? That day. That day that God changed me. That day that I encountered God. That day that I heared His voice.

That day was my day.  

At the end of worship, Jad began to sing out “With Everything.”  I closed my eyes and passionately sang out every lyric. Then, it came. All the sudden I had a flashback to Elevation (NLC’s young adults ministry). It was my last Elevation service before I moved to Sydney. I was so overwhelmed. Brandon Shatswell played “With Everything” as the last song I would sing in an Elevation for the next 2 years. Tears streamed down my face, my hands were raised high…and I received peace about the move to Sydney.

As I remembered that flashback, something just clicked. God said,” I sent you to Sydney–with everything–and I will send you out with everything. I sent you in and I will go out with you.  In and Out, I will be with you. Where I send you, you will go and I will always be with you.”

All I could do was cry. There it is…there is my answer, there is my confirmation, there is my peace. What perfect timing too, hey? God knew my heart brokenness from the estblished itinerary, the set date. How kind is He that He chooses to speak to me during my heart ache??

During the month of August,  I kept reading in Exodus 33 where it says “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from there.” I love that God is in the details. Here is my promise…God is always with me.

To top off the night, Pastor Brian spoke a total word in season for me about feeding off God’s faithfulness and dwelling in the land. It’s about time I start to prepare myself to dwell in the land. soon. very soon. All I kept thinking in the service was, “Don’t cry, Lydia! Suck it up!” …I didn’t cry. I just held it in until I got home.

So here it is, the formal announcement: Lydia is leaving Sydney in mid-December and moving back home to the States.  It’s official, and definitely legit. I’m going to passionately pursue God, with everything, wherever He leads me. I’m stepping into the land. I can feel the stretching, the growing, the increase in capacity. It hurts–but God is there. He is totally preparing me for something unknown. It scares me sometimes, but I just remember “…because You’re with me, I will not fear.”

Isn’t it funny how God brings us full circle? What He used to bring me to Sydney is what He is using to bring me to home.   Peace is coming.

meet my friend aynsley

meet my friend aynsley.

aynsley loves Jesus.

aynsley loves to sing.

aynsley loves to sing to Jesus.

aynsley wrote a song to Jesus and sang it in a hillsong college chapel.

aynsley has the purest heart that brings tears to your eyes as she sings her love to Jesus.

aynsley doesn’t like to hide anything about her love for Jesus…she is giddy when she sings about Jesus.

aynsley is already beautiful, but when she sings to Jesus, there is this glow about her. a glow from the inside out.

you should just see for yourself…

…you don’t even want to know how many times i mis-typed aynsley’s name in 5 minutes.